The Imminence of Adolescence
In adulthood adolescence can feel so near even when it was so far. There are these moments where a smell, a sound, or even a specific word will take you to a place in your mind and possibly emotions, that makes you feel like a child all over again. Maybe it’s the smell of a cooking bake good, a time of a year, or a phrase you heard, it takes you to a place. Depending on where these moments take you, they can bring your comfort or make you uncomfortable.
Have you ever seen or listened to someone discuss their childhood. No matter good or bad, there are these moments where they seem to leave the room as they reminisce. Their eyes are open but they have left the building, almost like they transported back. Adolescence was so imminent, the could feel it. Why is it the first twenty-one years of your life can have major impact on the next sixty years? That’s amazing & crazy to me all at the same time. Now, I can already hear someone say if your childhood is still infiltrating your adulthood at sixty there obviously wrong. But this can be true of both good and bad experiences
Adolescence was such a funny time for me. I never could fit in, not with kids, not with family. If felt like no one liked me. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. I was a bit of an odd ball and I’ll admit that probably did not help. I mean I filled my moms stock pot full of snails 🐌one time because I wanted to watch them move around. Man was she ticked! I spent my time outside playing sports, inside I’d would play with dolls until I got mad at them. I know, what a topic for another day 😉. I even participated in youth groups. I was different, I wasn’t typical or at least I didn’t feel like I was.
I remember struggling to build close relationships. I never could meet the requirements for commonality and I was a bit socially awkward. It was hard trying to make friends with kids that looked cool from afar. It sucked when you went up to talk to them and they made it obvious that you didn’t look cool to them. Whether it was my weird likings, you know the snails, or just my awkwardness I just couldn’t make friends 😔Sad huh! Well that was adolescence for me. I think this was when sadness crept in. Making friends is so important at that age and the inability to make them was devastating for me. I carried that devastation through my life, honestly there are times now when I still can feel the remnants of it. Remnants of what you ask, rejection. Rejection was tough. Especially as a kid that didn’t quite understand why she was rejected.
But this rejection followed me, it followed me in ways I wasn’t even aware of. When I met new people it was there, when went to new places it was there. It was always there, adolescent rejection just as imminent as it as it was when I was an actual adolescent. I couldn’t get away from it, it made me afraid to try new things, when I came in contact with new people, even when I tried I never believed they’d really accept me. It was this trap, each these times I could “feel” rejection, it was like I’d experience the isolation all over again. Man that wasn’t a fun time for me. But, it was a real time for me.
They next question I am guessing is how did you fix it? Honestly, I can’t promise that I did. On the other hand I did make a conscious decision to push forward. This meant taking chances, even when rejection was most imminent. It meant taking a chance or myself that I wasn’t always willing to make. Adolescnece had so done a number on me I was afraid to meet new people. I was fine with a “no new friends” thematic. Now, when I meet new people I introduce myself and then get stuck. I’m incredibly socially awkward at times. I laugh to myself because I know this isn’t a strong suit but I am so proud of myself for pushing forward. For many this isn’t that big of a deal but for me it is. I’m proud of myself. I’m proud that I am managing to not allow my negative adolescent experiences to feel like they are imminent. To keep them where they belong, in the past with my adolescence.
#thoughtlifeco
