In the beginning...

I’m not sure when it began, all I can say was it felt like it had been around for a while. What am I talking about you might ask? The pervading feeling that life would always be more dark than light. The constant feeling that, FOR ME, life would never really be good. It was almost haunting. Even when I smiled I couldn’t help but find myself thinking it wasn’t going to last.

It started when I was kid but it didn’t stop there. I went from thinking something isn’t right, to knowing something was wrong. From there it was being too scared to find out what was wrong, to self-destructing to the point where getting help was not an option, but a mandate. I never wanted to be on the brink but because I was too scared to go for help I found myself in a very unhealthy place. I was a full blown adult when life had overwhelmed me so. Why didn’t I get help, well I wasn’t sure how to describe this heavy feeling without sounding crazy, and really, is it that bad? That’s how I’d talk myself out of seeking help. No it’s not that bad, I’ve made it through high school, college and I’ve made a solid life for myself. But even with my accomplishments there was always a sense of sadness. Before I knew it I had to swallow that this wasn’t’ something I could just overcome on my own I was going to need some help.

Now here’s the juxtaposition that made the guilt even worse. All my life I remembered saying Jesus was THE Lord and Savior of my world. But there was no way he could be I thought? Not if I feel like this. Maybe I don’t really believe in him, obviously I don’t’ have the faith for him to heal me. Yeah, I actually believed that. I never believed he didn’t love me but always believed I wasn’t good enough/didn’t deserve his love. Looking back now, I don’t think I truly grasped his love, but that’s another topic for another day.

Since the sadness had been around as long as I could remember, I wore it like I wear my eyebrows. It was apart of me, at times I was unapologetic for my pessimistic outlook on life, what, it was just how I felt.

I was a teenager when I realized something wasn’t right and I was a young adult when I knew something was definitely wrong. Overwhelmed by the guilt, embarrassed of the sadness, frustrated with reality I crashed.

In writing this I HOPE that you will seek help earlier, you will not be embarrassed about where you are in life and your emotional well being. Don’t let valuable time pass you by. If you need help please check the resources page here. I just want you to be your best self. Suffering in silence will not allow that.

#thoughtlifeco