Shy Shame
My dad used to have two Japanese Akitas, they were great dogs. He trained them to protect the house. But there would be these times he’d leave them in the house and when we returned we’d notice they were hiding. I didn’t understand why they were hiding, usually in a corner or behind a piece of furniture. How did I know they were hiding, we’d find them in the most inconspicuous area, totally out of the line of site. Once I asked my dad, why he thought they were hiding? His response, because they know they’ve done something wrong. I thought yeah right, but I should have known my father would know, he’d trained dogs for a while.
Next, he’d search around the house and without a doubt he’d find they either had an accident or ate something that wasn’t meant to be eaten. I didn’t know animals felt shame or embarrassment? When he’d call their names they’d come with their heads down, it was obvious they knew they’d made a mistake.
Shame, it seems, can make even the most outgoing shy. It will change personalities and cause people to never be honest with those they love or more importantly themselves. Shame is a weight, that feels like it will only get heavier. In my time dealing with shame I’ve always felt the being open and honest would be worse than what I was currently experiencing. Admitting that I didn’t have it all together, that I was failing mentally, and that I needed true help made me feel like I was an utter failure and embarrassment. Shame made me deny that anything was wrong, it made me lash out to those I loved when they believed otherwise Shame quieted my happiness and muddled my enthusiasm. It changed me. I had to be careful “my slip wasn’t showing.” Shame is heavy, it’s like you just keep adding weights to the bench press without understanding your physical limitations. We’ve all see the guy at the bench press trying to show off only to see that he overestimated. Shame will forcibly over estimate what you can handle with the goal of keeping you weighted down.
The weight of shame was suffocating me and I was truly struggling both professionally and personally. At that point in my life I was just wanted relief. The shame of my mental illness was too heavy to carry alone. I had to tell someone, I had to let someone know my struggle was real. But shame still had me. So instead of telling them I felt I was depressed, I told them all my feelings & I let them draw their own conclusions. I know, shame struck. Thankfully, this person was familiar with my feelings and knew I needed help. They didn’t get caught up with my evasiveness but caught the hook of my cry for help. The weight got lighter. It didn’t disappear because I still couldn’t verbalize it.
Finally, I did! At a group counseling session I admitted that I was struggling with depression and probably had been suffering for years. The weight was lifted. It’s amazing how freeing honesty can be. It allowed for me to face my obstacles and opened me up to receiving the help I’d need to overcome. The first step, as we’ve heard so many times, is admitting the struggle. Coming to terms with that opens the door to receiving the help you need. Don’t let shame hold you back from receiving the help you need.
#thoughtlifeco
